One Bif Fat Funeral

Who says we Indians don’t have a sense of humor… I think we laugh at any and every occasion… life and death… death you ask? Yes, if it happens on TV, then you know what exactly I am talking about…

Its an episode of KYUNKI SAAS BHI KABHI BAHU THI … I don’t know the episode number. The guy who maintained records from the beginning has passed away and his legacy has been carried forward by the next generation…

Any way, there is some one called Gayatri Chachi (screen age 85) who is hell bent on blaming Tulsi (screen age 66), for having killed tripti (screen age 45)… no, seriously it is a matter of great grief if that is what women in our country start doing after a certain age… murder their middle aged bahus!!! In an age when they should learn ram dev maharaj’s pranayam techniques, this is what they are going to be doing…? It’s actually like a systematic pranayam excerise…

Step 1: breathe in breathe out
Step 2: find a gun
Step 3: wake up your fat bahu
Step 4: show her the gun
Step 5: she looks at the gun and breathes heavily
Step 6: you look at the bahu and flare nostrils
Step 7: bahu runs
Step 8: you run
Step 9: camera goes round and round
Step 10: wait a minute- chakkar is coming!!!
Step 11: bahu screams
Step 12: saas shoots
Step 13: repeat step 11
Step 14: fat bahu deflates- like forever!
Step 15: oh, you still haven’t done breath in again? Too bad! Die!

So, Gayatri would raise a finger at tulsi and all family members who are present on that day’s shooting and all family members who have provided for their body doubles look once at the finger and once at tulsi…

Bechari tripti! She was like a nice bad bahu- on the healthy side… heavy make up made her heavier… chalo now it is the last time they see her… after this she joins another ekta kapoor show for her per day pay cheques…

Every one goes to wear white clothes and comes back in shiney crystal white wear… its like they are prepared, one Sunday in a month, one of our family members will die… so they have white salwar kurta, white saree, white pyajama, naada and white shirt white pant- all dry cleaned from jeetu laundry- ready at their disposal! Buy a dozen and you get one matka free- for kriya karam!

Now, the best part- the pandit waits as every one sitting remembers tripti…

For some strange reason, contrary to how other normal human beings remember their memories, characters in serials always remember them in black and white or sepia tone… on second thoughts, may be because their life is colorless now… but how can you explain the memory flashes that come in cinemascope… and if your memory flash has smriti irani in it, too bad! She just don’t fit in man! I guess that’s why ekta kapoor replaced tulsi… the earlier tulsi plant was on her way to become a mango tree…
Rakshanda khan and reva bubber, be warned!

And then the memories have a song also playing… I don’t remember the last time I thought of my family members with a song from sohail khan starrer Krishna cottage playing in my mind!!

Back to pandit ji… now pandit ji waits and waits for any one to step forward and do the kriya karam vidhi but no one steps forward! Pandit ji gets irritated… there are two reasons: one- he cannot say the aagey ka mantras- so his performance is stagnated or the second reason is that he has to go for another kriya karam in the second shift of shooting… I believe mr bajaj is dying… like for the 10th time now!

And no one in that stadium of a decorated set steps forward to burn that healthy dead lady!!! I am sure they all must be wondering how heavy tripti mummy is… and how will they carry her to the cremation ground! Back ache happens no?

And right when saahil (haila, how many times do they change him!!) comes forward to do the needful ( I am sure, his back would hurt and they would get back the old saahil- some tricks of trade!), some loony man comes at the main door… and every one tilts their head towards the main door- 45 degrees… some of them thrice…

Loony man comes in and says saahil can’t do it- I will do it (such a saint! Every one heaves a sigh of relief) but saahil protests (stupid saahil!!). Gayatri says who is he- I am not understanding (likewise!) Loony man says I am tripti’s husband! Lo, and we thought old saahil and new saahil were tripti’s husbands! Loony man says that tripti and I were not divorced to begin with… so I am the husband and not saahil… every one looks at loony man 55 degrees now and at saahil (turn to 135 degrees) and then at tripti’s dead body (ya, like wake up and tell the truth!!)

So now, already there must be around five off-springs in saahil’s family- one his child, one tripti’s child, one illegal- drunk- affair child, one adopted child, one child of their own and one child who has lost- memory- and- doesn’t- remember- that- they- are- parents child…

And then it goes on…

Wait I can’t remember what happened later… I am trying to recollect… wait- I am adjusting my flashes to sepia tone… and some one play that krishna cottage song…

i am on my way back from goa..

this guy comes in selling what he calls in his nasal voice 'fresh kalingan'..

Isn't it supposed to be fresh without being said?

Any way, his nasal voice reminds me of what my mom told me..

One of my distant 3 year old cousins thinks he is Himesh. He sings all Himesh songs and idolises him...

Another one, 15, asked me if I had seen Neev of Kayamath, the guys from Remix and Tulsi?

Yet another, 10, asked me if his biker superstar has AIDS? And come to think of it, he is so small he doesn't even know what AIDS means..

One more, 21, is disappointed that KBC got over..

Such wannabes really...

I go back to eating fresh Kalingan and reading the cover story of Stardust- Aamir's marriage to Kiran Rao is on the rocks it seems..

April of 1990s

April of the 1990s were the best Aprils ever.

Sheer bliss when exams used to get over. Like life started after the dong of th bell post the last test.

On the last day of the exams, I remember getting say around Rs 20 - 25 (which gradually went up to Rs 500) in tenth standard. Eat whatever you want- have fun, folks would say!! And there was no hidden agenda. Not like okay have fun but come home and study. It was clear- it was my day!! Our day!!

Incidentally, all last papers would get completed fast and the warning bell would be awaited. Checking and re checking would be done and then till the bell went dong, one would think of mama chya gaavaala jaavuya (let's go to maternal uncle's town). Ding ding ding ding!! And then the rush outside the canteen to eat as much as possible of wada pavs and burgers and 50 piase pepsi colas and barf golas..

The cable wala would come and put the cable and that would be bliss!

Evening woul be packing for next day's journey to native place. And aah, the rush to meet cousins at gaav can come close to nothing!!

The bus journey would commence from Dadar TT on a hot afternoon and the bloated stomachs would ensure sleep on the hot seats of the semi private non AC buses (back then there werent any AC buses) . Two hours into the 17 hour journey and one would wake up sleeping parents and start asking "How much more time?"

That was something. To kill time, one would count the number of lamp posts and watch trucks rush by. Yes, read the Champak and as one grew, even the Mid Day entertainment page and Filmfare. Video games would be played a lot on the way to the bus stand only so they would get boring in the bus. Befriending some co age boy/ girl and talking away to glory- from last exam paper to the number of times one had seen Chaalbaaz or Jo Jeeta wahi Sikander- hell, may be Beta and Dil too!!

As the village came closer, one would think of all that would be done in the next one month during the stay there- right from eating mangoes and ice creams to raw mango soaked in salt and jackfruits- from playing hide n seek in the courtyard and drinking sorbets!

Fights, tears, smiles, laughs, joys, throat infections, mosquito bites, power cuts, movie viewing, marriages, food, temple visits, exam results, treats, beaches, picnics, - all of that made the vacations memorable.

As the vacations drew close to finish, monotony would sink in. Sulk!

June would start! Monsoons would come in. Wetting all newly covered text books and drenching despite umbrellas or raincoats! Shaaa! June was boring! Of course, then there was my birthday- but about that- some time later.

Right now, let me enjoy the April!

Appraisals, pay hikes, movie releases long weekends, Gudi Padwa.. aah, April is like that only!!

GOOD NEWS!

Mom came home with her friend Anagha Tai from the painting class. Anagha Tai saw the house, the kitchen platform, mother’s artworks and me. Me. And then Anagha Tai, looking at me, said to my artist-creator, "So, when are you giving the good news about him?" Good news? Had I HEARD that right? Had Anagha Tai SEEN it right? No, because from no angle do I look like a newly married… GIRL…

My mom didn’t feel the need to correct. In fact, she applied varnish on Anagha Tai’s coating of paint. She said, “ Not now...” I felt better. “..but next year for sure..” Did I say better? I take that back!

But do we men not have the right to our happiness- the right to take decisions- the right to dream and realize them…

Okay, either me or my mom, needs to stop watching these soaps!

I fail to understand sexes and with that happening, I don’t see Anagha Tai getting the ‘good news’ any time soon!

Some people are like this only!!

Till later.